When I was younger I was pretty messed up to say the least. I hated everything about myself. I hated that I had a female body that was becoming more and more evident everyday. I stopped eating, I went to the gym as much as I was allowed. I try to exercise my breasts away but it never worked and I continued to get swxualised remarks by male family members. It crushed me.
Mother chose my clothes until I was 16. I was never interested in clothes and looking like everyone else. She on the other hand hated me for not being normal. Often the clothes she did get me didn’t fit right on me and it was enough to fly her off the handle.
I hated wearing bra’s, everything about them – uncomfortable and emphasising and I was only 8. I wasn’t ready. When she realised I wasn’t wearing it she would expose my breasts in public and male family would make sexualised remarks about me enjoying it.
If she had left me alone I’d have got use to the change. C cup at 8 and D cup at 11 I was targeted by every male I come into contact with. I always internalised the guilt. It was my body so it was my fault.
I shrunk inside. I was never my body, I was always sat behind the eyes but no one could see me. I am dissociated and completely detached. I sit behind the eyes, my real body, my real self longing for someone to notice where I am. When I was raped it was made clear it was because of my body and that it was my fault. I knew that it would never end, that it would continue for so long as I was a girl. I never wanted to be a boy, I wanted to be nothing. Without a sexed body so I could be left alone. I still feel the same way. I’m detached and go un noticed.
When I was raped and molested I was brought back to the reality of my body, that I can’t get away from it.
I never screamed, I never cried out for help, I never fought back. It was pointless! After the first time I prepared myself for the next time.
Sometimes, the threat of further violence was higher and it was up to me to sweet talk them into taking it easy.
I was born with the burden, I was born a burden